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“Terrance, remember when we went to Whitewater. You went down the Cliffhanger with Brent and you had to take your plugs out and put them on your finger so they wouldn’t fall out of your ears. Mindy and I were too scared to go down it. I remember standing around at the bottom, waiting for you guys to come down. We were shivering in our bikinis and stomping our feet, and squinting at the top of the huge drop of the slide seeing if we could pick you guys out, but it was too hard. Then someone came whizzing by our feet and it was Brent, so we knew you were next. And then you came sliding to our feet and stood up laughing with your usual huge grin, and you shook your head a bit to get your wet hair out of your eyes. And I remember this moment perfectly. And then we walked to the next thing cuddled up together for body heat. Remember how we kept making out in the lines and I would touch your butt and all the little kids would look at us, with our tattoos and piercings, kissing and grinning. Remember when we went down that one slide on a raft together. You kept wiggling your toes in my face and I accidentally flipped us at the end. Remember that time in Brent’s house when we stayed up late together watching From Hell, but you kept trying to talk serious with me and I was too distracted, and I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention to what you were saying. And remember that time I yelled at you, your last night here, the last time I ever saw you, I’m sorry for that too. I should have just let it go and kissed you. Remember when I picked you up from the airport. You were grinning so big because it was your first time on a plane and you were mad that I didn’t give you a better hug. I’m sorry for that too, I should have squeezed you for an hour. Remember when I snuck you into a strip club and let you have your first lap dance. “MAKE HIM GOOD AND HORNY FOR ME.” The expression on your face was so adorable. Remember when I got so angry driving around trying to find Chinese Buddha. Someday I’ll find that shit, and eat enough for th both of us. But R. Thomas was still pretty good. “This is a stoner’s delight.” Remember the first time we ever kissed. Remember the fuzzy handcuffs and Cam4 and putting a towel over the window and it took so long to get it to stay up. Remember Peach and Mario. That’s us. We’re them. Remember when I told you I’d wear a Peach costume to the airport to pick you up. I’m going to be Peach for Halloween this year because I miss you and I think it’ll give you a laugh wherever you are. Remember our song. “You da fuckin’ best, best I eva had.” “Um sweetheart, you just repeated yourself about five times.” Remember nomnom hot dogs (expired ones!) and we were always like “LOL OMG WTF BBQ.” Remember “WOMEN I HAVE COME TO SAVE YOU,” you sexy lumberjack. I’m sorry I let you down, you know. I’m sorry I failed you. I wish I could go back. Everything would be different right now and you’d probably be sleeping in my bed right now or something. I’d run in there and pounce your pretty face. I am trapped in a castle right now, I’m a princess who needs saving. So where are you? Bring me some relief. Give me a sign. Let me know you’re okay. I don’t even dream about you and it’s terrible. I stare at your pictures and think of you before bed, hoping it will force you to visit me. But you don’t, you never do. It’s like there’s nothing left of you. I feel like I’m losing what little ghost I have left of you. But don’t worry, you were always the “sunshine of my day.” “Baby in the sun? No, this is TERRANCE in the sun.”
– This is part of an entry I wrote on Terrance’s one month, in my private journal. I don’t know, I feel more comfortable sharing it now. Heart’s a-achin’.
Posted 2 years ago
